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(With apologies ... Well, no, not really ...) The Demon Internet ShoppeA customer enters the Demon internet shop.Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.(Giles does not respond.)C: 'Ello, Miss?Giles: What do you mean "miss"?C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!G: We're closin' for a software upgrade.C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this news server what I paid to access not half an hour ago at this very boutique.G: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!G: No, no, it's uh,...it's just busy.C: Look, matey, I know a dead news server when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.G: No no it's not dead, it's, it's busy'! Remarkable server, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful processors!C: The processors don't enter into it. It's stone dead.G: Nononono, no, no! It's busy!C: All right then, if it's busy', I'll wake it up! (kicking the server) 'Ello, Mister news server! I've got a lovely fresh article for you if you show...(Giles taps surreptitiously at the keyboard)G: There, it responded!C: No, it didn't, that was you on the keyboard!G: I never!!C: Yes, you did!G: I never, never did anything...C: (kicking the server repeatedly) 'ELLO NEWS SERVER!!!!! nntp kick! nntp kick! nntp kick! nntp kick! This is your six o'clock overload!(Yanks the RAID disk array away from the processor-box and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)C: Now that's what I call a dead news server.G: No, no.....No, it's stunned!C: STUNNED?!?G: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That news server is definitely deceased, and when I subscribed not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of response was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged re-boot.G: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for some e-mail.C: PININ' for some E-MAIL?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I accessed it from home?G: The Norwegian Blue prefers workin' on it's back! Remarkable server, id'nit, squire? Lovely pair of processors!C: Look, I took the liberty of checking out that server when I got home, and Anthony said the only reason that it had been sitting on the Internet in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.(pause)G: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that server down, the news would have nuzzled up to that ethernet, connected to its interface, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this server wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!G: No no! It's pining!C: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This server is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired all the news and gone to meet its programmer! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the Internet it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its electronic impulses are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bit bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-NEWS SERVER!!(pause)G: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)G: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of news servers.C: I see. I see, I get the picture.G: I got a smart mail host.(pause)C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it provide news?G: Nnnnot really.C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?G: Look, if you go to my brother's internet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the news server for you.C: Bolton, eh? Very well.Customer leaves...Customer enters the same internet shop. Giles is putting on a false moustache.C: This is Bolton, is it?G: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswich.C: (looking at the camera) That's the information super-highway for you.The customer goes to the local packet router.He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".C: I wish to complain, Packet-Router Person. Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!C: I beg your pardon...?A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton packet and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.A: No, this is Bolton.C: (to the camera) The Demon internet shop man's brother was lying!!A: Can't blame the router for that.C: In that case, I shall return to the internet shop!He does.C: I understand this IS Bolton.G: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?C: You told me it was Ipswich!G: ...It was a pun.C: (pause) A PUN?!?G: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?G: Yeah, that's it!C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "notloB"!! It don't work!!G: Well, what do you want?C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!Cliff: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...
Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.Riker [puzzled]: What the hell is Microsoft?Data [turns to explain]: Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?Data: [studying displays] Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.Picard: How much time will that buy us?Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.Picard: Identify.Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...[over the speakers]This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!Data: I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.Riker and Picard, together [horrified]Lawyers!!Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.Data: True, but appearently some must have survived.Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!
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